Saturday, November 18, 2006

Are we nearly there yet?

So. there's umpteen different ways to reassure someone that there's life outside of parenthood. there's rarely a situation which, albeit with a bit of planning and a slight compromise, you cannot include your infant and still participate in.

I've been a big proponent of that. Taken my daughter pretty much everywhere I wanted to go since week one.

The thing I never considered was: Is there life in my relationship outside of parenthood?

I am staring down the barrel of yet another holiday during which, after she's gone to bed, we sit in silence. Each with a separate novel or puzzle book. Because there are no household chores to share. No shared TV interest to slump in front of - no 'Millionaire' to pose answers to. We don't even talk about what we did during the day.

Even at home, there are deathly silences where our conversation should be. We can talk about the offspring, work, building/decorative house-related stuff and that's it. There's no laughing that doesn't involve her.

We just met in town for lunch - the two of them went out this morning to pick out a couple of things for his mother while I did some work. I combed my hair, put on clean jeans - there may even have been deodorant involved - to go and meet them. Half a dozen times I tried to start a conversation. About his father's health (he had an operation on his foot yesterday), about our upcoming holiday, about a christmas party we've been invited to. About the fucking menu.

I got nothing.

I know he's tired and under work pressure. Well, so am I. I know that everyone deals with fatigue and pressure in different ways. It's quite possible that I've had my empathy chip removed.

But why do I feel that it's always me driving this bus?
(And because of the Offspring, I can't get off. The doors are locked.)
(Like a macabre Speed sequel)


At 11:12 am, November 20, 2006, Blogger HerImperialMajesty said...

having no useful contribution to make, i fall back on lyrics of someone else:

I see you falling
How long to go before you hit the ground?
You keep on screaming
'DonĀ“t you see me here?
Am I a ghost to you?'

Gotta keep faith that your path will change
Gotta keep faith that your luck will change

At 3:13 pm, November 20, 2006, Blogger Mrs. Chicky said...

Hang in there. If this is different from your relationship before the child came along maybe you guys just need a jump start. Parents weekend, perhaps?

At 10:16 pm, November 20, 2006, Blogger Kristin said...

Marriage has it's ups and downs... so trite, but so true...

How do you think he would react if you showed him this very post?

At 11:23 pm, November 24, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have so much vitality and creativity and seem to be interested in such a wide range of things-- it has got to hurt not to be able to share that same energy or have it returned to you. I do hope it shifts and changes and you guys can find the connections that brought you together in the first place-- all the best, bluepoppy


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