Friday, January 12, 2007

Little is the Light

Has anyone seen my sense of perspective?
I'm sure I left it around here somewhere. Those of you with brains which cannot be relied upon to get their chemistry right - have you learned how to tell when you're desperate because of something in your brain or desperate because of something in your heart?
And i know it's not as binary as that. I know that the heart can fool the brain and vice versa.
But I feel I have been so deeply unhappy for such an endless time.
Often I'll say it's this house that's dishonest and fragmented, bullied into a shape not it's own.
Often I'll say it's this town that's not my own.
Sometimes I wonder if it's all the travelling I do each week back to London for work. That the reason I'm unhappy here is that I've never really moved here. That I've kept one foot, leg, lung, heart behind.
Lately. Secretly. In a tiny place at the pit of my stomach. I fear I don't love him.
All the candles got blown out.
One by one.
In increments sometimes subtle, sometimes devastating.We can't light candles with a new house. Or a new baby. We can't light candles with pledges and promises. Not even with the best of endeavors. I know it doesn't need to start as a fire, but I can't even reassure myself that I want to look for a glow in the embers.
I don't know how to tell the difference here between the sadness that's real and the sadness that I manufacture.


At 5:17 pm, January 13, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As my sister-in-law who is a psychologist says, "pain is pain". Your sadness is real because you feel it.

All relationships have cycles-- especially romantic ones. Shift your focus if you can til this cycle has run its course.

Focus on you-- focus on whatever it is that feeds the embers in you-- magazine images, cafe coffes, new shoes, window shopping, making paper dolls, etc-- focus on you, on feeding your fire.

Then, when you feel more centered again-- perhaps you'll see things from a different vantage point.

Apologies for the assvice-- I really just want to extend support to you.


At 5:03 pm, January 16, 2007, Blogger HerImperialMajesty said...

There are things that burn me now
Which turn golden when I am happy.
Do you see the mystery of our pain?
That we bear the poverty
And are able to sing and dream sweet things.

At 5:11 pm, January 16, 2007, Blogger HerImperialMajesty said...

What does it mean?
What does it mean?
What does it mean to be so sad?
When someone you love
Someone you love is supposed to make you happy
What do you do?
How do you keep love alive?
When it won't...
What, what are the words
They use when they know it's over?

see, all i can do is send other people's word, because i don't know what to say for the best.

i once saw someone ask their friend about their relationship:
How will i know if it's good enough? and get the zen response 'you'll know'.
which was about as helpful as i'm being.
the next line of the conversation ran 'what if i'm wrong?', to which the reply was 'you'll find out'.

i guess with such matters, we have to be very Jedi.
Do you want to make this work?
only you can decide.
and then you have to, in the words of Yoda (what a plagurist i am):
Do or Do Not. There is no try.

and i get that. i spent a lot of 2006 'trying to lose half a stone'. no success. i continually let myself off and hated myself for it. whereas in 2005, i decided i would lose two stone. and did.
sadly alot of our important battles are wages inside our own heads. it's where we do some of our most quality and most horrible living.
i love you. I'm here. i just don't have the fix it juice that i'd like.

At 7:07 am, January 17, 2007, Blogger Red Rollerskate said...

Wow, what a post. I am sorry to hear that. You are at a low point. I wish I had some perspective to share.

>>I don't know how to tell the difference here between the sadness that's real and the sadness that I manufacture.

All I have to say about this is, trust your gut instinct. I would imagine you are hearing your true voice, and then the other voice, which is what you think you should be feeling.

At 6:34 pm, January 17, 2007, Blogger lildb said...

god. damn.




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