Saturday, June 30, 2007

Nothing to report**.

so many of you have so kindly been in touch with me since i told you about this.

you ask me what has happened, what have i done, how am i doing.


i've done nothing.

i've asking 'leading' questions. i feel i've given him opportunities to say something. he's been very (even more than usual) distant.

he's going on a residential course all next week. with four other people from work. i didn't ask who.

i've tried to think about practical things. If i really push things, and precipitate the split, am I in a secure enough place, financially and otherwise, to be able to live somewhere else, have good enough childcare to be able to continue my job, to be able to increase my hours/income?

where would i base myself? what would involve minimum disruption for P?

to stay here, far from my office so more expensive and time consuming to get to work, but where P has here friends and network, near to her father and dog etc. to move back to the city - less transport issue but everything more expensive and poorer quality childcare. but again nearer to my old friends and support.

its exhausting.

i don't want to think about it.

I know he knows I know.

people i trust who've known him longer than I have said to shed myself of the delusion that he'll grow a spine, and that if i want anything aired i'll have to drive the initiation bus. as usual.

but i can't. it's too hard. not again. i'm supposed to be a co-pilot.

there remains a string of texts from her. intimate - not sexually intimate necessarily - -but a deeper kind of intimacy. the kind that shows someone is at the front of your mind a lot. the kind where you just whip off random messages about things that are happening in your day. soggy chinese food. paper cuts. rainy sunday afternoons.

**oh. so. there's been a development. only have a sec to update this but look here:
BEFORE (he took dog for walk, i looked in the bag he'd beed getting ready for the 'residential course' he leaves for on monday)

AFTER (that's one of P's paper flowers attached with safety pin)

STITCH IN TIME( several stitched together in middle that I found added to the washbag. i know these weren't there a yesterday because I unpacked it after our camping trip)


At 5:59 pm, June 30, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nothing much I can say. I don't know what I'd do, especially with a little one. Whatever happens, I wish you peace.

At 8:53 pm, June 30, 2007, Anonymous Stephanie said...

I think that what he is doing is inexcusable.

That's not to say there's no mending this. But he should totally grovel. Totally. Sincerely. With real tears.

At 9:19 pm, June 30, 2007, Blogger Beccy said...

I'm at a loss in knowing what to say. I wish you strength to tackle this face on and hope that you come to some decisions that will be right for you.

At 5:27 am, July 01, 2007, Blogger Lisa said...

I am so very sorry. My heart aches for you.

And wow. You already have more strength in you pinky than I have in my entire body. I don't know what I'd do either.

But I like your idea pinned with the flower. Maybe it will make him think twice about what he's got to lose -- it a hell of alot.


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