Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Reality Bites.

I try not to be humiliated.

I try to remember it's not personal. It's about money. I try not to be angry or bitter or snap at the young people in my team. They're so impressionable. So easy impressed. Bearing the reflection of the last person who tried to imprint something on them. not seeing a bigger, longer, broader, sturdier picture.

When a repulsive, bullying, threatening misogynist is the client. when all your work has to be channelled, puppet fashion, through a male colleague. Your ideas scribbled on a pad, secretly listening in, so he can use my words. A woman's worthless instincts and no currency counsel channelled though a neighbours testosterone lips. my recommendations cut and pasted into his emails. my calls and entreaties to third parties on their behalf redramatised with a male lead. The appearance to my wards that the case as been removed from me and given to someone more qualified. Someone with a penis. Unable to reveal to them that they shouldn't regret getting me on their rotation, that this is a tactic, because to tell them such things would compromise the integrity of our relationship with the client. Lest they inadvertently let slip. Loose lips sink ships.

My boss, supportive but unsentimental. Telling me that the guy is an animal. Agreeing with all my strategy. but no longer telling the client its my strategy for fear he'll reject it out of hand. Implying I should never tell anyone that the client had phoned me in a rage, threatening me, implying he knew things about my professional past that would get me fired unless I did exactly what he wanted, when the path he was intent on would have been crippling to his desired outcome.

I feel like that character from the salem play, the one that talks of having nothign but his name. The grads have started to look at me differently. interupt me. work less hard. listen less well. practically roll their eyes when i'm explaining something. they have started to go to my male colleague to ask questions. walking past my desk to do so.

I found myself on the verge of tears in the bathroom for crissssakes.

I tried to think bigger. Beyond. tried to remember that it was about getting money from the client. that my boss has faith in me. that I'm a few years away from two decades of experience at doing this and am regarded as being pretty good.

but I still want to whine. it's not fair. those are MY ideas and someone else is getting credit for them. even though the person giving the credit is a scumbag.



At 2:50 pm, June 20, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not as good at keeping quiet as you, I would have told the client and my coworkers because I just would. It's not right.

I'm just glad I don't have a job that puts in me in a situation like that, trying to keep others happy in an effort to keep clients and money. It would be tough.

At 3:12 pm, June 20, 2007, Anonymous Alys said...

That is so crap honey.

Makes me glad I'm not in the rat race when things like that still happen.

All I can say is rise above them. You know it is your work and your boss does too. And by the end most others will too as it gets hard passing off someone elses stuff at your own.

As for the client, what goes around comes around and he will get his comeuppence - it may not be soon but it will happen.

take care xx

At 3:24 pm, June 20, 2007, Blogger dodo said...

it's pretty hard to swallow. and just in the last few minutes he's been piling praise on my male colleague (who feel very uncomforatble about the whole thing) for some stuff that I wrote not two hours ago!

i just have to think of my paycheck in terms of how much for each hour this goes on!

At 3:54 pm, June 20, 2007, Anonymous Jenny said...

That totally sucks. You need to have your boss tell your team the real story. It's going to hamper your ability to move up and get the respect you deserve. It has to stop now before he "forgets" that it was you who is really doing the work and rewards your male colleague.

At 10:57 pm, June 21, 2007, Blogger HerImperialMajesty said...

why oh why does this sort of thing occur?
and i'm sorry but your boss should be conveying to his staff that your strategy is being handled by a boy team and why. he should also perhaps examine how key a misogynistic a**hole is to revenue stream...
CYber hugs and cyber le creuset saucepan duties to a variety of men who should know better and some grads who should realise that uni ought to have given them independent thought rather than lame herd mentality.

At 9:43 pm, June 22, 2007, Blogger nonlineargirl said...

Crying in the bathroom? I never would have made it from my desk before the whole office was flooded with my tears of anger and frustration. You are strong.

At 10:55 am, June 23, 2007, Blogger HerImperialMajesty said...

got your text not sure if my replies are getting out though.
big hugs
much as i'm looking forward to some things that are coming up, i want to be home too.xx


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