Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Nature/nuture/nourish/neurosis

Why do I keep thinking about you today? Why do I conjure web addresses where I know your name, your words will be? Why do you describe her as sybaritic? Why did I seek it out? Your name +wife in the innocently blinking window. I searched your childs name. Maybe there would be a picture. Your eyes or hers.

I know I’m obsessing today. These last few days. I know I am . Over all sorts of ridiculous things. Things I wouldn’t think twice about if I was well. So I guess I’m not well.

I always seem to turn to thoughts of you when I’m like this. Not always. That’s an illusion. Only the last 7 years. I want to blame you for starting a big tranche of it. But I know it was there all along, just wearing different hats. You have it too. That’s why it was so.

So.

Overwhelming.

Destructive.

Poisonous.

Enrapturing

Blinding.

Real.

Unreal.

Wrenching.

Paralysing.

Liberating.

Deadening.


A sentence on my soul.


Edited later to add that i read the comment from Very Nice Man. I thought "oh yes. The 'pull your socks up' cure for depression. that always works. what a tosser!" I thought who did he think he was, not commenting on my blog for ages and then pitching up just in time to say something so fatuous. I even thought "bloody Christians," and rolled my eyes.

I'm sorry Very Nice Man. You were telling me to get out of the house. You were telling me to fight back. The same thing I would say to someone else. Thankyou for caring enough to say something practical rather than something indulgent, even when I didn't want to listen.

I went to your blog and looked at the glorious outdoor pictures. And even though it's pouring with rain, I grabbed the dog and headed out.

I'm sorry. And thank you.

5 Comments:

At 12:15 pm, May 30, 2007, Blogger The very nice man said...

Obsession is good - for a short while - but better still is to get up on a Saturday morning, have a shower, get dressed and visit the Portobello Road Market in London and observe all those different people.

 
At 12:41 pm, May 30, 2007, Blogger HerImperialMajesty said...

sometimes the sun burn slap is all there is

 
At 7:01 am, May 31, 2007, Blogger Mel said...

(((Dodo)))
I don't know what else to say. Just a hug, that's all I can offer.

 
At 12:45 pm, May 31, 2007, Blogger The very nice man said...

Hey, Dodo!! What in the plumperfect hell is going on with the weather here?????
I just took the dog out and got totally drenched! April was like June - May is like April - . . . I just hope that June is not like February!! Gorram weather! Why exactly did I move to England???
Remind me!!
Oh, and thanks for the mention!! Big hugs for you and I hope you feel a bit better today! :-)

 
At 2:32 am, June 04, 2007, Anonymous Jenny said...

I feel you, sweets. I do.

Sending you a psychic upswing, my friend.

 

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