Sunday, July 01, 2007

weekend almost over. i feel like i'm made of ice. or lighting. something with stinging sharpness. I am a thousand thousand tiny spheres of icey lightening. i'm vibrating at high frequency, waiting to shatter. is this really how it's going to end?
why should I say something? i will not say something. if i stop it happening this time, does that set a precedent. the inauguration of a lifetime vigil? I will not say something. He knows I saw those messages 3 weeks ago and yet he has chosen not to speak of it, not to stop it.
Do I and my daughter not deserve someone in our lives with the moral courage to at least turn back ? to stop and think?
If he doesn't love me, if he doesn't want this life with us, why not be a vertebrate? why not tell me he's incredibly sad but he can't carry on. that he wants to go and find someone who will make him truly happy. have the big family he said he wants. Why disrespect his daughters mother? Why antagonise the person who can administer his relationship with his child as she chooses? (We're not married so he has few parental rights).
Tomorrow morning he'll be gone. I'll take P to nursery. I'll make an appointment with a solicitor. I'll walk the dog. Then I'll cry.

6 Comments:

At 9:07 pm, July 01, 2007, Blogger Mel said...

(((Dodo)))
I don't know what to say. I really don't. Except - and this may not be the right time, but I like you so much I'd hate to ignore the prompting of good conscience - I've been the little girl whose mother "administered the relationship with the child as she chose" when things got rough between her and my dad, and I still carry those scars. And a lot of resentment toward, not my dad, but my mother.
In other words, yes. He is an ass. But don't be too hasty in your thirst for retribution. Don't let your daughter become a weapon.

 
At 1:34 am, July 02, 2007, Blogger deb said...

What he's doing isn't about him loving or not loving you, it's more about genitals and pheromones and hormones. New relationship energy is very enticing but doesn't last.

For what it's worth, I think he should have the balls to tell you, up front, but I know I never did. And you and your daughter do deserve to have someone with moral courage.

Sending you a hug.

 
At 6:13 am, July 02, 2007, Blogger dodo said...

mel- i was too. I would try really hard not to. I don't want retribution, I just want some peace and some space.

deb - i can see how the genitals stuff makes him forget about me, but how can it make him forget his responsibilities to P? and thanks for sharing such personal things with me.

 
At 11:42 am, July 02, 2007, Blogger Beccy said...

This is such a hard time for you and I really admire your courage in dealing with the situation in which you have found yourself.

You deserve someone who loves and respects you and in time hopefully you'll find someone. Stay strong for both yourself and P.

 
At 7:11 pm, July 02, 2007, Blogger Mel said...

Meanwhile, while he's gone?
Change the fucking locks.

There, that's satisfied the desire to be a vindictive bitch that a cheating-ass man always sparks in me.

And again, (((Dodo)))

 
At 10:09 am, July 04, 2007, Blogger HerImperialMajesty said...

i have to say i'm very proud because there has never yet been any hint that you would just fold your arms and say 'no P for you then'

i personally don't know how you've managed not to say anything
about the gargantuan elephant marauding around your house

 

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