Friday, July 06, 2007

rain, rain, go away.

it seems i have the power of precipitation. i'd rather have Piper's power - the freezing and blowing up of things. I think i'd have to pass on the premonitions, though orbing oneself about might be quite the thing on a rainy afternoon. Charmed I am not.

after nearly a year with this counsellor, i say i'm frustrated and want to take a break. not a euphemistic break, a staged termination, just a break. she spends our last hour together telling me things I could have used months ago. about how she sees my methods of managing my depression, anxiety, ocd, etc and my relationship with them. about other things i might try. about how my struggle with it is a primeval battle. that she thinks the way i characterise it, give it form and motives, is a kind of collusion with my illness. she refers me to a specialist shrink who she thinks would help me progress.

so what, was this some kind of big secret she couldn't previously divulge?

And S. I sent him a text (while he was on the train) suggesting that he use the space during this time he's away to think about what he wants and whether that includes me. after a long time he replied saying he wants "security, love, trust and support, to name a few things neither of us are getting at the moment." there, right there, is the largest amount of information he has communicated to me about our relationship in the last five years. and it took me to push him into it. I asked whether I should trust a man with condoms in his briefcase. He said I should.

i can't explain how tired i am at the moment. he's supposed to be back a little after six. i don't want to be here.


At 1:30 am, July 07, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why couldn't your counsellor tell you this before? She actually said "primeval battle"?

As for you and S., you two sound like me husband and me. We both want something that we're not willing to give. It's a rock and a hard place.

Breathe, just breathe. Quit worrying about tomorrow, or yesterday, there's nothing you can do about them anyway. Sit down and stop thinking. It's hard to do, it requires practice. And don't forget to breathe.

Take care, sweetie.

At 8:57 am, July 09, 2007, Blogger HerImperialMajesty said...

Your counsellor should go over my knee. surely the sharing of information and thoughts on coping mechanisms should be an iterative process as you go along.

on the S front, i can't believe he's not getting his finger out...

At 2:07 pm, July 09, 2007, Blogger HerImperialMajesty said...

and i still think hovering would be a good power.
although moving stuff and blowing stuff up would be immensely satisfying, i'd only abuse it in teh long run. it'd be hard to abuse hovering...

like i said before, a couple of decades on the rocks will be the making of us

At 4:59 pm, July 09, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for your comment my way, it made me laugh and it's very good advice.


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