Saturday, July 14, 2007

So, so sorry.

How can I fix this without you losing out?

How can I take you away from someone I can no longer live with?

I'm sorry I didn't pick you a daddy who could see this out.

I'm sorry I pushed him towards counselling - I thought it would help, not provide a map and compass by which he could better navigate the paths down which we've been leading him to become "less and less of a person."

I'm sorry I didn't pick you a daddy who could see beyond the groundless outpourings of his bitter mouth and into our three hearts.

It's not your fault, my sweet girl, that the blue line heralding the coming of the best thing in my life, also marked the frontier to an era of secret prohibition of your father's ambitions.

I promise I'll do what ever I can to stop you from ever discovering that.

I'm sorry that I've run out of strength to pretend I can carry on. I promise you that I've tried and tried to the point of my own desiccation. But if I walk any further in his barren desert I'll no longer have the strength or will to support us. I hope one day you'll understand that if I don't start to take care of myself, I soon won't be able to take care of you the way you deserve.

I loved your daddy, but he's gone too far away and doesn't want to be called back. I'm sorry I can't be enough of an incentive to him, can't catch his ear or eye. I'm sorry I couldn't keep you the family you deserve.

I have no idea how I'm going to explain to you that we're going to have a new house but that you'll have to leave your dog behind. That you won't have as much space or as big a room. Will I be convincing about all the new friends you're going to make? How great your new nursery will be? How will I explain the Whys without dinting your rightfully superhero view of him? Without thinking I'm somehow punishing you for something? Will you understand that these questions and decisions paralyse me with fear? But that I must move forward?

9 Comments:

At 2:15 pm, July 14, 2007, Blogger deb said...

I'm sorry that it didn't work out Dodo. Sorry that it hurts so much. I left my son's father when my son was a year old and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. It was hard at the time, frightening and lonely but it was a good thing.

My son ended up with a good father, my husband. My husband may drive me crazy and may not be the most emotionally available person in the world (he's kind of an uptight control freak) but he is a good man who has always been there for his kids.

Your daughter will survive, so will you. I hope her dad stays in her life, girls need their dads. A father is the first man to hold his daughter's heart in his hands, he needs to love her well and love her purely.

I'm sending a virtual hug, a poor substitue for the realy thing, but all I can offer at present. Take care sweetie.

 
At 4:03 pm, July 14, 2007, Blogger Beccy said...

I'm also sorry it didn't work out but glad you have found the strength to move on and look after yourself. She will understand and as long as you are around to look after her she will be ok. I speak from experience as a girl who hasn't seen her biological father in 33 years and who has a great relationship with her dad (step father).

 
At 9:45 pm, July 14, 2007, Blogger Mel said...

(((Dodo)))

 
At 9:02 am, July 16, 2007, Blogger HerImperialMajesty said...

honey i'm sorry that it's come to this. and that now there seem to be no good decisions other than breaking the status quo.
I am here. let me know what you need

 
At 9:54 pm, July 16, 2007, Blogger lildb said...

awww, man, R.

shit.

I'm so sorry. there's such a big, overdue hug that you'll get to claim from me whenever I meet you.

shit.

 
At 2:50 am, July 18, 2007, Blogger nonlineargirl said...

Oh I am so sorry. Your daughter has a wonderful mother.

 
At 3:57 pm, July 25, 2007, Anonymous Stephanie said...

I'm so sorry.

Sorry for you, sorry for your little angel, sorry I missed you when I was in London.

You have strength, my Dear. And you certainly deserve better than you've had. Leaving the awful situation you are in will put you on the path to the blessings waiting for you. I mean FUTURE blessings. You already have your little angel!

 
At 9:38 pm, July 29, 2007, Anonymous Jenny said...

Oh sweetie. I'm so, so sorry. Even for someone as strong as you I know it can be devastating.

A year from now things will be better. Your hope will be stronger and the path will be brighter. Until then, I'm hear to listen.

 
At 12:45 am, August 17, 2007, Blogger marymurtz said...

I'm so sorry this is happening.

 

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