Saturday, September 22, 2007

Crayyzee meds

it's amazing how much a person can get done in a morning when they're not slave to barmy routines, tics and panic attacks. it's amazing how much a person can get done before 9am on a saturday (including showering with full hair wash and conditioner, plus facial hair mitigation) when they don't lose tens of minutes and hours somewhere in the middle of putting on a sock.

And yes, I was worried about the trade off, where is the line between my 'true' personality and my malfunction, will these drugs purge me of my 'self'?

I have learned something this morning, ladies and gentlemen.

Take note.

No cocktail of drugs exists that makes me want to clean my house!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

The first few days of the prozac Dr Neuro prescribed gave me a glimpse of a foreign country. Somewhere away from storm clouds, somewhere that whets the appetite for a further visit. Going up to 30mg a day was a holiday abroad, getting to know the place – mapping the different colours and smells, different language – foreign yet comprehensible. At 40mg plus the zyprexa from the shrink I want to emigrate. Have adventures. Say yes. And never go home.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Vanishing Act Part II

two messages on his phone from her.

i just found them because he left he otherwise closely guarded phone in the bathroom

messages from her again

"i'm on my way home. P [her husband] not at home tonight so pls call if u can. would be great to hear your voice."

" . . .i love u. x "

Somehow i don't think prozac is going to be enough any more.

Vanishing Act

where's P's light jersey purple dress? the one with the little white polkadots? and the square neckline? that she got in Hennes in Amsterdam? you know - the one with the matching knee length trousers with the bows on the side. have you seen 'em?

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

My mouth feels funny today. At lunch I constantly feared my food was about to jump through clumsy lips onto the table. I became increasingly aware of my tongue, like it had forgotten what it as supposed to do while my teeth and jaws are chewing.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Something to think about

there's been so much in the press the last few days about how many of which country's soldiers are going to be where. and how much is going to be spent. and percentages of improvement or deterioration. It doesn't feel like the other side of the world if you know someone in the armed forces. or when you read things like this.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

We couldn't hear the clogs on the stairs. They were carpeted. But. Still.

This last one is P and Maj bracing themselves for cannon fire on the 'pirate' ship which is in the dock alongside the kids science museum, NEMO. Amsterdam. can't believe i've made it to very nearly 35 and not been somewhere this fabulous that's only a 45 minute flight away. makes you wonder . . .what else are we missing out on that's only a 45 minute flight from home?
Am in week six of the prozac regime. I went to my referral appointment with the big famous shrink at the big famous place last week. She asked A LOT of questions. and she would interrogate all the answers a half dozen times. I felt she was quite aggressive for the first hour or so. then she put her pencil down and smiled at me. She said she thought i was very brave to finally take the recommendation to see someone like her. She said she thought I'd been doing a great job to get as far as I had virtually on my own. And have the (albeit slightly random) jobs i've had. and have a baby. and some other stuff. basically she seemed impressed that i've managed to get this unruly brain to jump through hoops when really it would rather be by itself in a dark corner somewhere and left to its own devices. She said she had never heard a story like mine from someone so bright and creative. I cried a lot. I didn't know the answers to half her questions. She used this word. And some others that i've heard before across big desks. Then she shrugged and said "doesn't really matter what it's called, does it?" She doubled my dose of prozac over 12 days by increments. which is fine, because i have been feeling a bit different and am almost kind of excited by the idea that I could feel even more different. But not sure about the addition to my pharmaceutical shopping list of this. She said to read up about it ("you seem like a google sort of girl to me") keep it in the medicine cabinet, and use it at night during periods when my brain is particularly unruly if i wanted some respite. she said not to be frightened of the word "antipsychotic."she said just because i'd "always just got on with it" didn't mean i always had to for ever and ever. she said I could have a rest if i wanted to. she said i could take it every night if i wanted to.

she also recommended a new therapist and said to go back to see her in october.

Meanwhile, back in the real world . . .

and she's off! (running over the bridge towards the pirate ship)

Auntie Maj does bubble magic . .

Every morning there was an even bigger floating city outside. we never once heard them arrive or leave . . .

on the other side of the hotel, the city centre side, pianos had been left out on the dockside. in the rain. every afternoon the would be retuned and played. and there would be random percussion on the broken pieces while people sat around drinking coffee

first ever wrestle with a drinking fountain. in vondelpark

lovely lovely houses.

Almost there - on the sunday afternoon when we arrived at amsterdam central station. P waiting for the grown ups to work out where the tram stop was. it felt like the longest part of the journey - so near and yet so far! hotel was only about ten minutes away

various shots that i can't make go in any particular order! the huge restaurant is way out of town, right at the north end of tram line 10, if you're ever in town and want great food, great service in an incredible atmosphere. it's called Cafe Restaurant Amsterdam and it used to be the city's pumping station. the goats and other animals were in Amstel park - another adventure to the outskirts of the city, this time by train and bus. click the link there - see the highest pyramid climbing frame with the scary sheer drop tube slide? the one that said no children under 6 on it in 14 different languages? need I say more?! Amstelpark is also the home of Midget Golf . . . .

Here's portrait of auntie M by P!

P and M outside and inside the pool

Another sculpture - headless man carrying violin ("where would he put his chin, mummy?") Lunch with favourite Uncle K who happened to be in town for the weekend.
Breakfast at the hotel - we only did this once. it was pretty expensive and not impressive despite big choice. P had fruit in one bowl and oats with chocolate sprinkles in the other.

And this unassuming looking building was pretty amazing too (picture has fallen to bottom of page!!)

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