Wednesday, January 30, 2008

within a few hours of discovering I was pregnant, nearly five years ago, I knew I had a baby. I could feel her in my arms. smell her. we were a team. (even if my role in the team was to be nauseous for five months) we were a strong unit. me and my baby.

when i discovered I was pregnant a few weeks ago, the landscape felt very different. but i didn't know if it really was different, or whether it was just my perception. perception changed still further when i had to abandon my fledgling medication programme to protect the prompter of that little blue line from the flaws of its co-creator. the further behind me i left the drugs, the more i became aware of the distance between us. there was no us. there was me. and something that was going to happen to me in 9 months. on my birthday, as calculations would have it. i didn't like the idea of being cleft and bloody and rent on my birthday.

last weekend, an old friend of S's came for dinner and stayed over. S told me the next morning that that he had told his friend "our little bit of news" after I had gone to bed. That they had smoked cigars on the strength of it. That was the first time I felt nauseous. He shouldn't have done that. Celebrated. Stuff like that draws the attention of the gods.

when the sonographer told me, very sympathetically, this morning that there was no longer a viable pregnancy beneath the pre-warmed (nice touch, btw) contact gel, I cried and I shook. But i can't tell you that it was for the loss of a baby, or relief, or fear of the investment that it represented for my relationship with S. He cried. I wished he wasn't there. His eyes were heavy on me while i tried to listen to the midwife explain about the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy, how they wanted to do blood tests and how big had the clots been over the past two days. His grief was suffocating.

Monday, January 14, 2008


we're back. the cats are back. used a crow bar to extract dog from inlaws.

not back at work. don't know what's going on with work.

feeling uninspired blogwise. which is ridiculous since i should have piles of holiday tales. there's a lot of material from a five week vacation, surely. at least i should have a pile of pictures for you to oooh over. i got nothing.


not nothing. i do have something. something that only three other people know about. something it's too early to tell anyone about. hardly a something at all. and yet. there it is. and here i am. bewildered. an hour ago i had a message from my shrinks office. she's one of the three people. now i have to face the prospect of coming, semi cold turkey, off my meds. meds that i've been taking months to adjust to life with. the braver new world. brutally snatched from me by the something that's hardly even a something.

you can't see them, but they're stronger than they look, these almost somethings.

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