Thursday, March 06, 2008

i'm a foul weather blogger.

since i started reigning in my hitherto-uncooperative-with -ife brain i have posted with decreasing frequency. i am ungrateful. i read fewer entries posted by those i previously read avidly. i miss chunks. wonder at how a pictured child has grown.

i got really frustrated with how fat the meds were making me. especially after the doc said that no amount of diet and exercise would stay the expanding of my waist. and that my antipsychotic was likely the cause of the miscarriage. i stopped taking it last week. and i'm only taking half my dose of antidepressant. i can't be sure that i want to get pregnant again. another baby in this relationship doesn't necessarily feel like the same warming, building, growing family idea that it did while i was more heavily medicated. i'm motivated more by the weight issue. hardly any item of clothing that involves going around my waist fits me. i've gone up three sizes. i'm wearing sweat pants and trying not to leave the house except in the one pair of enormous jeans i bought to accommodate this alien frame.

i know its stupid to have gone through all that, paid for all that expertise and then abandon it for vanity. and i can feel my deprogrammed brain fingering its way back to familiar ground. the spitting volcanic quicksand it craves.

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